OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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