took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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