i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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