M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
