I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
