There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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