Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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