ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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