Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
