Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
