So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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