Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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