I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
someone owes me an orgasm
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
