Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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