im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
