i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
