I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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