I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
