Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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