I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
