I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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