You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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