I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
