Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
