How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
