Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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