i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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