Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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