I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
