if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
