Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
