you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
