Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
