i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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