shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
