note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
