I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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