I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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