I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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