His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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