Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
