I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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