This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
