My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think my moral compass just broke
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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