So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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