What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
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does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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