Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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