you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
