Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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