tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
