so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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