My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
so much tequila, so little girl.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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