He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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