how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
