Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
