We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
