some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
