She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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